woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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