So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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