All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
