Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
