This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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