She is in my trunk
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
