I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
