I will die if light touches me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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