She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
