We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
