so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
