The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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