so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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