sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
