so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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