i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
