i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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