I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dear god my vagina.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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