It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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