I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
