Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm passing your future prison.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
