My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
