I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
