you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
