Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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