I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
