quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
