My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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