In the future we'll all be gay
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
