i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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