shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
