my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i drank out of a bidet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
