So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
