I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
