I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
