I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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