I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
