and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
try to milk me bitch
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