My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
