After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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