Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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