Joe is yelling at the trees again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
