HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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