She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
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