so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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