Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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