Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
