Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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