I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I look better un-naked...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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