How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
