i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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