you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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