She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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