She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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