By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
