I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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